asphyxia ain’t my kink…
… and that’s a shame, I could have so much fun…

I haven’t written about the paralysis in a long time and I still have to translate the page about my handicap into English at some time. (No I don’t)
But then there was this night, some weeks ago.


I felt sick on Sunday evening and chose to sleep at my place in order not to harass co-sleepers, who need their sleep more than ever these packed days.
The night was okay, but I felt really sick the next morning. Having had my flu shot some days before, I still wonder whether it all could have been a side effect…
Monday I stayed in bed for the most part and entertained myself with the phone and the tablet. The standard program: Ibuprofen and tea for the rescue.

Monday night I would also stay at my place.
Already in the evening, I felt my throat tightening and breathing getting harder. Okay, I have been dealing with a swollen voice box in the past and usually, it is not a fun time, but I know how to manage. Keep cool, breathe slowly and everything will be fine in the end.

Not this time.
This time I woke up at about 2 am with my air supply almost completely clogged. It had never been THAT tight before. I had never before felt like choking. Suffocating. Not the slightly odd sensation of thin air @5.000m above sea level or the cramped feeling after diving in a cold pool or the cold shower after sauna.
Nope, not getting enough air through your windpipe AND the asthma-like feeling of not getting that bit you sucked in before, out again.

I got up from bed in full panic mode2.
What to do? Call an ambulance? Or try to get through with it?
First thought: Do some of those clever mindfulness chores that help you stay calm. 
„Take a deep breath…“
F*ck it. 
I had to laugh3, this was much too ironic not to.
And recognized that I was more or less okay, as long as I was distracted enough.
My usual panic medication would do no good as it affects breathing and slows it further down, so this was also out of the question.
I tried to lie down again, but as soon as I lay still, the panic would return.
So I turned on the TV, still not wanting to spend the night in the ICU.
Fresh air from outside would ease the panic and sitting on the sofa did not make things worse. All I had to avoid was getting horizontal…
It became quite the long night, but by morning, I would feel a bit better again.

So I took a cab to the doctor’s4 as early as possible.
Did I tell you already how glad I am to have found these excellent doctors in Bockenheim. I saw the doc within minutes after my arrival and was supplied with medication and prescriptions within the hour. And things got better very fast from there.
The day was okay and I had company the next night, which helped a great deal.

I got better every day and today it all seems far away and like a dream. But it ain’t. I will have to be very cautious.
However, it’s only for the rest of my life…

Show 4 footnotes
  1. Bad idea
  2. fun-fact: panic does not help much, hyperventilating works extremely bad, when ventilating is off the table
  3. Not a good idea either, but can’t be helped
  4. it’s only 800m, but I was barely able to dress and walk to the door


Antifascist. He/His. Get vaccinated. Wear a mask. Jede*r anders, alle Drama. Quality misunderstandings since 1963. Change is constant.

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